Autum smells. . . .

I just got done baking three apple pies for my family. I had taken my children to the local orchards last week and picked WAY too many apples. The smiles on everyone's faces when they come home today and smell the pies baking will be worth the efforts.

The leaves are beautiful here, and tomorrow I go with my 5 year old on a field trip to pick pumpkins after a hayride.

What do you all do for Halloween? That is where my thoughts are these days.

At our old church we had an alternative party. They called it a "Hallelujah Party". The kids could still dress up (not scary) and play tons of games. The church did an awesome job with their party. Everyone would bake pies and make soup. There would be popcorn popping in a movie theatre type popper. They made cotton candy, had apple cider and coffee. The games that the children played were top of the line. They earned ticketts that they could cash in at the candy booth. Teens were dressed up as old fashioned candy sellers and would doll out tons and tons of candy.

The idea was to let the children have fun while keeping them safe. There was no endorsement of Halloween but they didn't want children to feel "different" or left out.

Well, this year we are no longer in that church. It is not an option for us to go to their party. I thought I would take them, but I recently encountered more spiritual abuse at a pampered chef's party that I went to.

I can not be around this church group, for my own sanity as well as my children's.

I don't want to take my children trick or treating, I get scared at some of the things that I see, let alone my 2 and 5 year old's imagination.

Does anyone have any suggestions????

-jane

One Friday Night

It all started because I attended a pampered chef party that an old friend was hosting. When I got to her house, she realized that she had gotten the wrong white chocolate for a desert recipe that we would be eating. So I ran to the grocery store on her behalf. . . . .


Coming up the aisle that had baking goods, there was this adorable toddler girl who started talking to me. She was just absolutely beautiful, so I had to stop and play "peek a boo". Her parents had their back to me and were arguing over which brand of rice to buy. I continued up the aisle to get my purchases. Apparently the girl's father thought I continued out of the aisle,
but I hadn't.

I returned the way I came in and stopped to talk to my new toddler friend. Her father's dupa (polish for behind) was right next to me......

and he let one rip. I kid you not. It was the loudest rip that I have ever heard. I was so close, I felt the vibrations. It was like an earthquake. I walked away quickly, but not quickly enough. The mortified wife yelled at him, "OH MY GOD. Well that is LOVELY, with people right behind you, have you no manners!!!!!!!!!"

I wanted to laugh so hard.

The old me would have turned and said, "please don't worry, I have a husband and sons...."

But the new me pretended to be pretensious, just for the moment. I walked with my head held high and not even a smirk on my face. I was for the momentary fantasy, ALL the pretentious customers I had encountered while shopping with a child who has senory integration disorder!

I was the women and men who had no sense of humor and could not laugh at life's in opportune moments.

It felt good. And anyone in bondage to making other's feel better about themselves knows exactly the fanatasy that I lived.

My regrets to that poor woman. If it were my husband, well, we would never be shopping together again...hehehehehehehe

but since it wasn't my husband, it was perhaps the funniest moment shopping that I have ever been a part of.

-jane

Tomorrow we say goodbye

Tomorrow I will wake up at 3 am and begin my journey back home, to the island.

Funny, I have never lived on Martha's Vineyard but it is home to me more than the area in which I grew up. It is where my family is, where my roots are and until recently, where I felt most at home.

Now adays, I found a deeper home in the arms of my husband. I know this is where I belong when I see the smile on my children's face, hear the giggle in my daughter's belly laugh, the victory in my son's eyes and the confidence in my teenager's spoken words...........

But for tomorrow, I wake up before the sun and travel eastward.

to another world.

to a place where the seagulls call my name and the wind breathes reassurance of those who have died on without me. . . to the ferry that carries us over the water. . . to the island that beats with all of our hearts. . . with the clouds that float over carrying memories of the past. . . to the sand that knows I am returning.


Anyone with lineage to Martha's Vineyard knows the call that I speak of. The drawing of the island that is almost spiritual.

and we all go there to say goodbye to one of our fallen.

Joseph.

Who, in some of my thoughts is just the embodiment of all of us related to him that have struggled with depression, suicide and just plain being different. It comes with our name, it comes with our heritage. We are an extremely creative people, at times emotionally volitile, eccentric, deeply feeling, driven group.

Some have been brillant, others insane. Imagine if you would the english in our veins at war with the driven, passionate, rebellious, oh so very strong spirited, irish blood.

The irish and english should never have interbred. The result of such is my own self portrait. I am simply a gypsy trying to be a noble Lady.

Lady Jane.

Goodbye sweet Joseph, rest well, cousin of mine whose birthday was so close to mine, whose demise so near my own.

There are moments when I think you so incredibably brave. So weak was I in times of aching to depart this tormentive life. And yet, so much more worthy your young, sweet life than the one I try to pretend to live.

Thinking of you draws me so close to that line of insanity that I dare not tread too deep. My grief is deep and the guilt I feel for not knowing you were that tormented... for not reaching out even one time.

I knew when I looked in to your eyes that your face smiled but not your heart. I just didn't know how bad it was. Please look down upon me with forgiveness.

When I go to work and listen to the pain of the teenagers, I will dedicate this part of my life to you; I will listen to their heart and not second guess what I see in their eyes. I will not be fooled by their smile, their compassion and their sweet jokes.

for this my dear cousin, is a lesson that I have learned the hard way.

rest sweet joe, rest in sweet peace, free from the torment of this world, free from the torment of this flesh.

lovingly,
janie

Joseph Jay Kelly
http://www.ccgfuneralhome.com/services/pop.asp?id=3590

Joseph

When I came home from work last night, my husband asked me to sit down at the table. He told me that he had received a phone call from my mother. . . . .


I was then compelled to walk downstairs to check on my 17 year old son Jason. We live in a raised ranch and his domain is on the first level. As I walked down the dark hall, I used my hand to feel the wall for his door opening. I didn't want to wake him, I just wanted to hear his breathing.

When I heard his breathing, that wasn't enough for me. I spoke, "Jason, are you awake?"

"yes" he said. "did you hear about Joseph?"

"yes" I said very quietly. "are you ok?"

"well, yeah but not really. I haven't seen him in a while. You know that they thought he might be gay?"

"yes, they said that before but you know Jason, that may not be true". I said "there are many people who are gay and they don't do this."

"his brother deals crack"

"Jason, we don't know if that is true either." I said "you just never know".

"well, I do know that the family is pretty messed up. His brother was really mean to him and he is a little bit whacked"

"Jason, you know that I love you very very much, right? You know that even when your dad and I divorced and through it all that you were always wanted and always loved, right?"

"yes mom" grumbled my teenager

"you've never had those thoughts?" I asked

"no mom, stop being such a social worker, I am tired." he said

"ok, I'll let you sleep, but just know how much I have always loved you and will always love you no matter what you do in life." I wanted to cry.


When I came back upstairs, I spoke lovingly into my 5 year olds ears, kissed him and asked God to cover his life.

I then cuddled in bed with my 2 year old, holding her closer than normal.

If only love could protect them.

You see, I just found out that my 21 year old cousin had taken his own life. His mother found him hanging in his room. They are still waiting for the autopsy as some believe that it may not have been a suicide.

I find it somewhat ironic in a sadistic way that I feel called by God to work with mentally disturbed youth, that as I came home from working in a teenage psychiatric hospital, my very own cousin had taken his life.

Oh sweet Joseph, may you find rest in your creators embrace, peace in the after life and freedom from the torment that drove you to end it at such a young age.

praying for the healing of my aunt Darlene and everyone else that was touched by Joseph's life and asking for you all to pray as well.

-jane

form letters suck

Some of you may already know this about me, some may not. I plan to write extensively on this topic as soon as I get a free moment to write about it well. Spiritual Abuse.

My husband and I left our church after about 8 years of full fledged, life sacrificing devotion to their ministry. We believe that we were in a very controlling, spiritually abusive church. Most people in my life who were not members of that church went so far as to call it a cult.

Recently there was an article on CBN (http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/Bi...ritualAbuse.asp)
I was so happy to see this issue being spoken of within the christian community, that I wrote an email:

I was so glad to read your article on spiritual abuse. My husband and I
left a church after 8 years of attendance because we felt it was spiritually
abusive. Ironically, it wasn't until we tried to leave that it became
obviously abusive. We too were told that we would be devoured by Satan for
leaving. We have yet to heal. We trust Jesus and wait. The years of abuse have
left us with post traumatic stress and fears of joining a new church. I look
forward to more of your articles. Contact me if you need some inside
experiences.

This was totally out of my character. I wanted to help reach out with my story and other's that I know who share a story of this kind of pain and confusion.

What I got, was a freaking cold form letter with a polite plug to read more of the author's writings!

Thank you for sharing your comments for Craig von Buseck concerning his article.
Though he is not able to respond personally, he appreciates your feedback. For
more information about Craig, and to see more of his articles, please see his
Web page on CBN.com-- http://www.cbn.com/about/bios/craigvonbuseck.aspGod bless
you. The Christian Broadcasting NetworkWebsite - http://www.cbn.com/ The 700 Club Prayer
Counseling Center - 1-800-759-0700

Does anyone else ever wonder if christians even belong to Christ? I understand that it is a HUGE ministry but couldn't a secretary write a real response? Do they have to put a plug in it to read more of the authors' writings? How is this ministering to people??

UGH!

My good cyber friend David was able to get their real letter that they could not send because it wasn't the timing of the Holy Spirit !

Thankyou David!

Dear Jane,Thank you for being duped into thinking we really care about spiritual
abuse. We looked for a popular topic and lo and behold, spiritual abuse came up
and we couldn't pass up an opportunity to write about it to increase traffic to
our website and make money in the process. Please note that every aspect of
spirituality has become merchandized and spiritual abuse is no exception. In
fact, we encourage every pastor out there to spend at least five Sundays a year
covering this topic so as to lead people to believe that they are aware of this
issue and that they are doing something about it. Soon there will be T-shirts,
key-chains and bumper stickers with anti-spiritual abuse slogans on them.As you
probably know, all legalistic churches preach sermons on legalism on a regular
basis, which leads the congregants to believe that since the pastor preaches on
legalism, legalism is not a problem with their church. Can't get any simpler
than that.Cars run on oil, the kingdom of God runs on righteousness, and
churches run on gullibility. Please visit his website on CBN.com for more
applicable topics written to foster more gullibility and in turn greater
recognition and profit for us.

(*I don't wish to be sued for false statements, this letter is actually a creation of David's; who very accurately revealed their true hearts)

Are there any ministries out there serving Christ in love without being entangled with christianese and doctrine disputes? Christ came that we might have life and have life abundantly. Honestly today's brand of religion smells more like fishy pharisees to me. I think we as christians need to read the bible for ourselves and remember that the veil was torn when Christ died on the cross. There is no mediator between man and God- so please be careful not to fall in the trap of pastor worship and false religion.

just my 2 cents.....

-jane

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Useless thought for my day:
A friend taught me this really cool trick with the keyboard. I feel like a bad girl in sixth grade again. I can draw the word A**holes! Check this out.... (_o_) it actually looks like a butt!
Reminds me of the days we typed ll34 on the calculater and turned it upside down to see it spelled hell. Anyone else do that as a kid?

Grandpa Flanders

My grandfather died a few years ago due to cancer.

My grandfather graduated magna cum laude from Brown University with a degree in Math. He was an officer in the pacific window of WWII with the U.S. Navy. He was a very patriotic man, with old fashioned conservative values. He once told me that the republican party is too liberal and that income tax is unconstitutional. I was a bleeding heart liberal in those days, but he wasn't worried. He said that after college when I went into the real world, I would grow up. He felt that a young person that is not liberal has no heart and an older person who isn't conservative has no brain.

It is him that I think of when I read crap like this: http://brothabuck.blogspot.com/2005/10/dangerous-virtues.html

I think of him and ALL the people who fought for our freedom as Americans- and for the freedom of others as well.

I think of him and the people who burn flags in the name of "freedom of speech".

Do you really think freedom of speech means this?

Do you really think that people gave up their lives to protect our constitution so that people have the right to speak hate?

I personally, don't believe that freedom of speech is about allowing this hatred to be aired.

The problem that I have with those thoughts is, what do we do about it?

Do we make comments like that illegal?

No. The bible has a verse that I love, what comes out of the mouth is an overflow of what is in a man's heart.

The thing is, we can illegalize many things but that only controls the outside actions of a person.

Many christian friends would tell me that the way to "win" men like that is to "love" them. I don't feel much love for someone that hateful. I don't desire to "win" him to our side.

We need to put men like that out of business. who are the people that listen to that crap and go back to support him for more?

I really wanted to end this blurb with a solution, but I don't have one.

What I have is just a whole lot of pain that men like that are allowed to disrespect the lives lost for our freedom of speech.

What I have is a real concern that people exist to support his business.

What I have is fear that when my children grow up there will still be a great divide between color in our nation. . . . . . a nation that is so desparately trying to hang onto it's "under Godness".

God bless America.

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p.s. bother buck, I have no ball and chain icon. I hope this still works. thankyou.
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Page load

Will someone please tell me what a page load is???

David suggested a counter which is all good but I can't figure out what it is counting!

Does anyone know what a page load is?

-jane